Who are they, really?
by Wolvertique
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the characters you write about are REALLY like? This is just one idea. Enjoy!


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Wildly Silly Nonsense  
  
Caution: Contains adults talking like adults, including using naughty language and talking about the evil S-E-X word. If you read on, it's all your fault if your head explodes.

  
The X-men slumped into a pile on the floor. Bodies rested against bodies without regard for age or sexual orientation. Groans came from most, and a few just closed their eyes.   
  
"Damn it, I'm tired of doing the same old thing every time an author chooses me!" muttered Jean Grey, rubbing her eyes. "Screw Scott. Fall for Logan. Screw Logan. Go back to Scott. Screw Scott and Logan at the same time. What the hell? Can't I ever, oh, NOT fuck anyone? Jeez, I'd settle for at least fucking someone different once in a while. Even the Blob looks good after my fiftieth time with Logan."  
  
"Hmph. You think YOU have it bad," murmured Bobby at the bottom of the pile. "No one seems to know what to do with me or who I am, either. I'm thrown away into relationships that are excuses for other characters to act. They're disposed of with one sentence because the other mutant doesn't really matter either. I maybe get a line or two, you know, 'Bobby and Kitty are getting married, which gives Jean and Logan an opportunity to screw.' Or 'We stuck Bobby with Pyro because we think it's cute to have an ice mutant with a fire mutant. Tee hee!' Can't I ever get a real story line of my own?"   
  
Mystique sighed. "For once, I'd like to have a real romance with someone from the start. I want to be young and carefree, and fall in love with someone recklessly, without having them screw me over so I can become old and bitter again." Agreement rose from the standard X-villains in the room as a whole.   
  
Logan, the prankster, said, "I just want some pants. A simple pair of pants!" Everyone turned and stared at him blankly.   
  
He tried again. "Solomon Grundy want pants, too!" The blank stares continued. "Doesn't ANYONE else watch Cartoon Network?"   
  
They all shook their heads no, and he muttered, "I wish someone else had a freaking sense of humor. Jesus, you guys wouldn't know a good joke if it bit you on the ass."   
  
"Aw, shit," Charles Xavier drawled. "Some sleepless teenager in Japan is gonna write about me goin' after that highfalutin' Lilandra cow again. Gotta ride, y'all." He waved, and he, Storm, and Beast all disappeared.   
  
The complaints, however, did not. In fact, they multiplied by the minute, regardless of whether anyone was listening to them.   
  
Nightcrawler: "Why did I have to be named after live bait, anyway?"   
  
Sage: "I mean, couldn't I once, just once, hang out with the girls and talk hair and boys?"   
  
Magneto: "Pick a card. Any card."   
  
Colossus: "...a nice daydream about butter and chive potatoes, then I could..."   
  
Stacy X: "...type a few letters, go home to my kittycat, Whiskers..."   
  
Rogue: "...who would address me as President, not 'madam' President..."   
  
Nightcrawler: "...because you might as well just call me The Amazing Tacklebox..."   
  
Northstar: "...who is famous for his putting technique and wicked slice."   
  
Magneto: "See, I'd be a GREAT magician! I could..."   
  
Polaris: "...be a better rock star than her any day, the bitch..."   
  
Cyclops: "...'Got your nose,' I'd say, the famous plastic surgeon and humorist..."   
  
Havok: "...but of course, that explains Poland!"   
  
The characters had become so loud, they started waking up characters from the other genres in the room and even down the hall. "Oh, shut the hell up, whiners," moaned Superman, from a pile further along the wall. "I'm constantly being paired with only one woman and being thwarted from doing anything with her!"   
  
"Screw that, yo!" screamed a Powerpuff Girl. "How about knowing you'll never get the chance to even HAVE sexual feelings, or children, or even a real job?"   
  
The old Western sidekick from down the hall knocked on the door and yelled, politely, "Pardon me, but could you please permit me some rest? I believe I have to ride out with the wagon train in the morning."   
  
Batman stopped his whirling around in his pretty pink tutu in the middle of all this long enough to say cheerfully, "Now, now, children. We're all bozos on this bus, so let's all get along!"   
  
"I agree with Batman," said the Stock Suicidal Teenage Girl cheerfully from the Generic Trashy Teen Fiction pile.   
  
Everyone stopped, turned, and said to her in unison, "You ALWAYS agree with Batman!"   
  
The fundamentalist preacher, his face red, clutching his bible and waving his cross, screamed, "As Krishna is my Lord, I tell all of you to SHUT UP!" (As the crowd was already silent, he got a few "Hey"s from a few offended characters.)   
  
"We all come in exciting variations. Superman, you get the real Lois and tons of other superbabes in fan fiction all over the Net, right?" The Man of Steel got a big grin on his face and opened his mouth, but the preacher continued before he could speak.   
  
"X-men, you all switch from good to bad at random according to author whim, and you all get parts in stories doing everything from bungee jumping to jumping each other, okay? Now let's all stop complaining. It's not a bad living after all, is it?"   
  
The characters went back to their genre groups and started talking again, more congenially this time. "I suppose we could pretend we have a pretty little house with a white picket fence around it." "Hey, I'll be blue today, and you can be pink tomorrow!" "You know, we don't always have to take over the world. We could start with an Arby's and build from there." "I don't care if it isn't kosher, I'm having bacon and no one here can stop me!"   
  
Relieved, the fundamentalist preacher faded into the background and then disappeared back into the Authors' Realm. Someone had to make sure there were still characters for them to use, obviously. How else could he write his story about how Jean Grey entered the Batcave and discovered how hot Batman looks in a leotard?


End file.
